Telepeer

Muzak’s aural assault is one of life’s little annoyances

June 26, 2023

By Shaun Tumpane

Laguna Woods Globe

So, who decided to pipe music into elevators? And why?

Think about it. Do you really need to be auditorily stimulated for less time than it takes to tie your shoes?

It’s bad enough that almost every elevator is a miniature hall of mirrors. That’s fine if you resemble George Clooney. If you look like George Costanza? Then no elevator ride is too short.

But back to the cacophony of a disembodied and seemingly overmedicated voice announcing whether you’re going up or down and the pan flute version of “Rocky Mountain High” wafting from a four-watt speaker with no bass.

I never got over John Denver’s haircut, let alone his dulcet tones mimicking a randy wolf on the prowl.

Can you imagine the scowl on John Lennon’s face when Ed Sullivan sidles up to him in heaven/hell (pick the location that reflects your opinion of where these two souls have taken up residence) and points out that the Laguna Hills CVS has “I Am the Walrus” on the intercom?!

Then there’s the lifeless monotonal so-called greeting from the medical center’s receptionist, “Doctor so-and-so’s office, may I put you on a brief hold?” And before you can respond, you’re listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons performed by the Ferguson Bagpipe Quartet.

Overstimulation of the masses is infused into every nook and cranny of our society. God forbid we have a single moment of peace and quiet. In the 21st century, televisions share parenting duties with electronic tablets, smartphones, Gameboys, earbuds, and occasionally, parents.

What a great invention earbuds are. Instead of ruining everyone’s hearing within a three-block radius by cranking up the volume on your quadraphonic sound system, complete with 400-watt per channel speakers playing Led Zeppelin, earbuds focus their auricular attack directly on the cochlea.

Beyond the self-inflicted imbecilic assault on your ears is the constant messaging, mostly subliminal, with which we are bombarded. Muzak may merely dull the senses, but consider how advertising pummels you with all kinds of unasked for information, all the while trying to mold your perspective to coincide with theirs.

Example: Your diet needs more fruits and vegetables. Solution? Ingest these fruit and vegetable formulated capsules.

What? How about just hitting the produce section of your local grocery store? Sauntering down the vegetable aisle is as close to being on a farm as most of us will ever get. Plus, you can listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” while you shop.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t get intercom music. Movies have soundtracks, real life doesn’t. Or shouldn’t. What’s next, flashing stop signs?

Shaun Tumpane is a Laguna Woods Village resident.

Orange County Register

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Muzak’s aural assault is one of life’s little annoyances

By Shaun Tumpane

Laguna Woods Globe

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